Uugh, Winter is cold and wet and snowy and damp and chilly and windy and it feels as if its getting the best of me. New Years resolutions are trying to be kept, papers are being written, and every little snowflake that falls counts. But by morning after the snow has fallen, our little white blanket has gone and leaves a large brown patch in its place. Christmas is over, the tree has been put away until next year's joy finally comes round again. The happiness and anticipation of Christmas and Advent has fled, school is back in session, and our 100 mile per hour lives have started up once again. Christmas is a busy time, yes, but it seems we all slow down at some point to admire the Tree, to hang the stockings, and to play a small bit of Christmas music. Much to my dismay, it gets on my nerves. I'm generally a happy person, but the music just.... is a bit too happy. Even through Christmas joy.
Why am I talking about Christmas two weeks later? I don't really know, I guess I'm wishing I could go back. Confusion has set in, whereas I wasn't thinking about it before during the holidays. Now as I write this, I look out the window and wonder how my friends are doing. I"ll see them tomorrow of course, but part of me wants to see him and part of me doesn't. Its complicated, and I don't know how the heck I feel. It sucks you know?
Whereas your friends have boyfriends, they've overcome the nervousness, the feeling of not knowing what to do or what to say. Where do you put your hands when your talking to him? At your sides, in front of you, behind you? How long do you keep eye contact? What do you do when he comes to sit next to you? When his eyes sparkle, how do you hold on to what you were about to say before you got distracted by them? They're brown, they're blue, they're green, they're gorgeous. The guy's eyes matter a lot to me for some reason. What do you do when he smiles at you? Or when he laughs? You're distracted and you laugh too late and it ruins the moment. How do you avoid that? When you're nervous and he brushes your arm or touches your hand and you flinch, what does he think? Does it bother him, does he see that I'm nervous? He tells me what he wants to be when he graduates high school, when he goes to college. Does he tell all of his friends this? Am I just making the fact he told me, special?
At first, he talks to me like he's bored, but I didn't start the conversation. Then he brings up another subject, and our friends join in. I laugh, so doe he, why am I paying such close attention? I"m not supposed to, I don't like him. I promised myself I didn't, that I wouldn't. And I won't, but does it count as liking him if I think about him after I see him? He doesn't like me, I know he doesn't. Someone told me who he likes, but I can't get over his eyes. I just can't stop remembering how they sparkled. The verse, "This night is sparkling, don't you let this go. I'm wonder struck, blushing all the way home. I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was Enchanted to meet you." resounds in my head. Am I being dramatic? Have you even read this far after you probably got bored up there, after my ramblings? Are my questions getting on your nerves yet? Because its ok, they're getting on mine and I'm the one typing them. Why can't God just give me the answers to these questions? Why, oh why, must I figure them out for myself? At this point, Algebra is easier to dissect and solve.
You can't help the way you feel.
|please don't be in love with someone else|
Please don't have somebody waiting on you.